HEALTHYEAH, MUTHAFKZ.

A newly released study found that fatty foods may truly be addictive — even potentially as addictive as drugs like cocaine and heroin. So we got to wondering what Asian foods and dishes could rival bacon and cheesecake. […] We think we found six that make cheesecake, even a bacon-loaded cheesecake, look like a well balanced diet.

Okay, the exaggerations aren’t that cute, especially when you find in the URL that the article’s original title said “calorie-infested foods”.

Anyway, this dish close to home made the list (disclaimer: which I don’t vouch as being definitive).

3. Char Kuay Teow (pan fried noodles) — Singaporean

A typical serving size of char kuay teow weighs in at around 300g. Those 300g will set your gut back a few weeks with 30g of fat and 22.8g of saturated fat according to the Singaporean Health Promotion Board. Our Singapore city editor Larry Loh said, “The best ones are cooked with pork lard and there’s little bits of crispy fried pork lard and raw cockles to boot.” Please keep in mind that gym memberships are typically not included with purchase of a pan fried noodle meal in Singapore. Perhaps they should be.

I… don’t think I could give up char kuay teow. Moderation is easy enough, though.

Have you ever wondered why Coke comes with a smile? It’s because it gets you high. They took the cocaine out almost a hundred years ago. You know why? It was redundant.

• In The First 10 minutes: 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system. (100% of your recommended daily intake.) You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because phosphoric acid cuts the flavor allowing you to keep it down.
• 20 minutes: Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin burst. Your liver responds to this by turning any sugar it can get its hands on into fat. (There’s plenty of that at this particular moment)
• 40 minutes: Caffeine absorption is complete. Your pupils dilate, your blood pressure rises, as a response your livers dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The adenosine receptors in your brain are now blocked preventing drowsiness.
• 45 minutes: Your body ups your dopamine production stimulating the pleasure centers of your brain. This is physically the same way heroin works, by the way.
• >60 minutes: The phosphoric acid binds calcium, magnesium and zinc in your lower intestine, providing a further boost in metabolism. This is compounded by high doses of sugar and artificial sweeteners also increasing the urinary excretion of calcium.
• >60 Minutes: The caffeine’s diuretic properties come into play. (It makes you have to pee.) It is now assured that you’ll evacuate the bonded calcium, magnesium and zinc that was headed to your bones as well as sodium, electrolyte and water.
• >60 minutes: As the rave inside of you dies down you’ll start to have a sugar crash. You may become irritable and/or sluggish. You’ve also now, literally, pissed away all the water that was in the Coke. But not before infusing it with valuable nutrients your body could have used for things like even having the ability to hydrate your system or build strong bones and teeth.

This will all be followed by a caffeine crash in the next few hours. (As little as two if you’re a smoker.) But, hey, have another Coke, it’ll make you feel better.

*FYI: The Coke itself is not the enemy, here. It’s the dynamic combo of massive sugar doses combined with caffeine and phosphoric acid. Things which are found in almost all soda.

This is why I avoid soft drinks.